久しぶり

あなたがいなくて寂しいです

Today is already 23rd of Feb 2018. 

Whenever I log into this shameful pathetic blog, I feel embarrassing for myself.

For being such a baka girl. There's no use for you to chase over someone who will never look back.

Never put any high expectations on that kind of people.

Life goes on, you have to keep moving forward.

This is going to be my last post that is related to you, Okimoto Hajime.

I don't give a damn either you read it or not.

I'm no longer that girl that you used to know. Even if someday you are coming back with that cold attitude, I would't mind and I don't care. However, thank you for being one of the wake up calls that I received at the moment. I appreciate all the things that spitted out from you plus with your cold attitude that annoyed me for most of the time. I do believe you are doing well on achieving your dream. Go ahead, don't ever look back. Live to the fullest, find someone that able to take care after you better than I do. Go fulfill your dream. Go, repay your granny kindness. Go and become a good person. I'm over you. This is real, this is going to be the last time I will be posting about you.

I don't have any intention on making any new blog because I'm way too busy. If I have the urge to create, I'll do so but it will be none of your business. 

I guess that's all. I can never tell you this in person because you're ghost that disappear and begone forever from me. 

I have to do this in order to keep moving forward and forget you.

I'll be meaningless to you and same goes to you. You'll be so meaningless to me even though you were the best thing that ever happened to me when I was a foolish girl.

But meeting you was great, in this social media world.

I wouldn't regret.

not trying to be offensive but I know you will understand why I said so.

I still keep your words that you said when I was gone.

That made me realize I cannot play with the fire if I don't intend on cooling it with love.

Thanks for showing me the world. Thanks for being a real one.

If you read this, it means I'm letting go every each of our memories in the past. I've found the cartoon that you said having the same cheeks as I am. It was Gnomeo and Juliet something.

I've watched the movie already. It was great. Oh yes, I miss granny so much. I'm so grateful to her for used to accept the old me. It totally feels great when you get acknowledged by someone that loves you.

I don't know what will brings me in the future. I hope for the good things to happen. 

I really hope I'll be able to meet a person that capable on dwelling this miserable soul patiently.

With Allah wills. 

I guess I have to get going. So, Hajime. if you ever intend on reading this, I am solemnly wishing you the best of luck in the future! and of course, I never forget your birthday, dumbass, Happy belated birthday Okimoto Hajime. 

farewell.

-15/02

-03/10 

I really hate you.

I dont know what to feel inside but your coming ugh i dont know, should I be happy or I shouldn't?

Why this is happening to me? Until when you are going to treat me like this?

I admit, that was the happiest a few minutes of conversation between us.

I know you hate me, so, I wont ask or tell anything.

I'm not going to chase after you but I am admiring you forever, I mean it.

How I wish. We could meet some day, in real life.

声の形

私はあなたの声をすぐに聞きたいです！

私はあなたに会いたいです！それ。 。本当に申し訳ありません。 。

しばらくでもお会いできたらうれしいです。私は気にしません。 。私はあなたを見れば幸せです。 。本当に申し訳ありません

じゃあまたね！

I've put a lot of effort studying Japanese language, I can't write correctly, I can't understand, I can't differentiate........ I did this not because of you.

I had wished to visit Japan even before I met you on 2011. 

I earned money to go for a Japanese language class after I have ended my school year last year but I literally had no time for that. So annoying...

I used my money for something else... I bought my school stuffs by using that money..

I watched anime just because I want to learn by listening but yet I can't able to write...

I hate it. Looking at myself, buying school stuffs by my own money reminds me of you. You used to live with your grandma, you bought your school stuffs by your own. You earned money by helping your grandma.. you and I were so different, I should never think of you again. baka , I'm so stupid for waiting after I've left you in pain..

See ya.

Cold Guy

I miss you but I can't. 
You're too precious while I'm not. 
You're too perfect while I'm so imperfect.
You're really one in a million, unfortunately, you ain't mine.

I treat you like you are mine. In fact, you ain't mine.
I tell you every single thing, sorrow story, happy story, like you are mine but the reality is, you ain't mine.
I spam you like you are mine but you ain't mine.

I don't really know what to do. I just can't get rid of you.
How selfish I am. I just want to turn back the time,
If I could, I won't leave you, I swear to death.

How I wish, getting internet to come online very often was easy back then.
How I wish, the technologies was totally fine for me to come online and stay with you, all night long.
How I wish, I wasn't dumb to make such a fool decision which was to give up on you. 
How I wish, you were there in the reality while people kept on accusing me for falling in love with someone who did not exist. They said I was crazy, they did not believe over your existence. They spread out the news about me, I became one of their jokes. They left me, I was alone for the entire time and you weren't there because we were having some difficulties to reach each other.
I got banned , I was mentally abused by them.

This is the reason why I left you behind. Why I did not tell you at the first place? Because I know you won't believe in me anymore. I made myself look bad to you because I wanted you to hate me like most of the people that I know for so long did to me. 
I was so excited to see you again after for such a long time we hadn't been together but by the time flies, I had realized, you weren't mine on the day you met me on fb.

I wasn't acting like I loved you after I had dumped you and act so girly like wanting you back to be mine, no.
That was because I was excited but nervous at the same time as if I could feel the real me when I talked to you.

You were the best thing I ever had and I couldn't forget you.
You wouldn't read this blog, that's why I write everything in this blog of mine.

I will be happy if you never forget me, my figure and everything even for once a year.
 I really miss you, cold guy. I miss your jokes.

I literally forget how it feels to love and to be loved.
That's why I avoid myself from falling in love again.
Because I don't understand what love is.

Gdnight.

I am ready for it.

Hey guys,
I'm still counting days for experiencing new adventure of studying so far away from my family.
I guess this is it. I need to learn on how to rely everything on myself. Every single thing.

I have bought the stuffs like clothes, shoes! and toiletries. I'm so excited! 
The rumors said I will be experiencing 2 weeks of orientation days and a week of studying then I go back home for celebrating Eid with my family!
Yay , I wont get homesick hehehe. I'm not that kind of person, I swear to death. Hahahaha

All I need is to focus and strive, achieve the goals for a year, only a year. One year, I can do this!

NO NEGATIVE VIBES PLEASE, Just no :( 

 & I have no time to be in love,  I need to be serious. 
It's okay to be alone and study, I'm doing this literally for me and my family.

I can do this!

Readers out there, please!
I beg you to pray for me!
Pray the best for me.

That's all for tonight.

(( T^T I have spent my salary to buy these stuffs, like seriously, spending money for these reminds me of how old I am right now, I am 18 WTHECK ))

Immature enough.

I'm sorry for my last post. It was an immature action by me and it should not be in this blog actually.
I was stressed out on that day but I am okay now. Perhaps.

So, what is going on ? It has been few days since my last post right?
I am busy with my work & sometimes I don't remember on updating anything because hehehe
I am in the middle of something which I'm so attached with my love.

GUESS WHO IS MY LOVE?
http://naruto.oasgames.com/en/play (SERVER 106 - UZUMAKI SHIWASE) ← let me introduce yguys to my faithful partner, my Naruto online game haha

yes, I am not a fully gamer but I love to play games. Any kind of games.
Bring me to the arcade & I'm going to rock your day! jkjkjk
I'm going to the arcade with my family, ONLY.
Because they are too precious to be with. So we are having fun at the arcade place but since we have some financial problem nowadays, we rarely having fun.
It is tough because I literally have a family problem and of course it cannot be told in a public forum like this but I just can say I have such a big family. Siblings from the same mother but different father but I'm still grateful because at the very least, I still have a family where I can share the joy with. Because not most people in this world can feel this kind of experience, experience of having a family.

Because of that, I've planned out so many things. I will do my best in my studies. I will struggle till the end, Achieve the target and get a nice job to live a proper life.

Oh yeah, actually, before I started attaching myself to the game, I used to spend my leisure time with sleep. Maybe we can call it as a short nap AHAHAHA ( My mental is tired lol cme on gimme some support) Having migraine is sucks. Like seriously, I can't remember a thing. How do victims of migraine manage themselves with this? Anyone? every time I have migraine, I proudly tell them that I need some rest because I'm sick and I'm off to bed.

BUT

it is not easy to sleep for these migraine people :'( (I FEEL YGUYS.)

You can feel the aching on the head and it feels twitching on the eyes like your eyes are going to burst out in anytime before going to bed and also after waking up from the night mare. i am telling you guys the truth :'( the aching is so unbearable. 

I started to realize that I have this stuff when I was 12 years old. During that year, it was getting so obvious, I mean the symptom. and hm yeah I was in r/s with someone and yeah, got into a big and a small fight did affect my healthiness. I got migraine every time we both gone mad like crazy HAHAHA I was a stupid girl back then. ( I bet, I am still but I'm okay. Put the past behind me)
so, I often admitted myself to the hospital HAHA LIKE WTHECK.

I was getting better days by days till 2015, I finally managed to have my own spectacles because I had been advised to get my own spectacles to prevent getting any migraine. It did work but not 100% work & I did know that I had something in me where prevent me from being so active in the day because of the tonsils. Sore tonsils in me was getting bigger and I succeed removing that thing last year before I take my spm. It was so terrifying! I failed during my trial. That was the bad result I ever had. Imagine yourself getting an A , 3B, 4C and 1F. THAT F RUINED EVERYTHING. I couldn't use my trial result for registering myself to any good colleges/universities outside there. But I hadn't given up, I worked even harder during the very last examination in my high school year.

Facing few days after operating to remove the sore tonsils in me was so tiring, terrifying and dying as fudge. I couldnt talk BUT the doctor forced me to talk LIKE MAN I CANNOT TALK FOR REAL YOU IDIOT. because I didnt know what was happening to me, of course, I was fainted for the whole 2 hours AND I WOKE UP SMELLING SOMETHING BURN IN MY THROAT AND IT WAS THAT THING.
YUCKS!!!!!! I had to stay in the hospital like 5 days and guess what, I needed to attend my graduation day the day after I reached home. IMAGINE HOW I COMMUNICATE WITH MY FREAKING FRIENDS WITH NO VOICE AT ALL. I couldnt laugh and guess what, I couldnt eat any kind of solid food, spicy food, hot food, ANY FOOD because even your mother have cooked your favourite meal to death, you WONT able to eat it like a normal person. Trust me. That burning smell in your throat makes you feel so disgust over the food :( but that was my favourite food. see? terrifying right? I ate oat like for the whole 5 days AND MOST DYING PART :  I COULDNT SLEEP AT NIGHT FOR A WEEK. Because it felt something sharp in your throat (they used laser to remove the tonsils. that's why) I needed to spit out my saliva, I needed to gurgle the painkiller in the form of liquid. It did make me feel relief for a few hours and I needed to repeat the same things like a week or 2 weeks. It was so unbearable. ugh NEVER TRUST WHEN THEY TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL BE OKAY AFTER 3 DAYS THEY HAVE REMOVED THE TONSILS. THEY AINT LIE BUT THE FACTS THAT THEY GIVE TO YOU ARE WRONG.

The older you are, the more time will be taken to be fully recovered. Basically, it takes 3 weeks.
The younger you are, the fewer time will be taken to be fully recovered. It takes 3-5 days.

Trust me. & guess what! The school officer had called my mother and asked when could I come back because I had missed so many classes and homework. so, after a week I stayed at home, I headed back to my boarding school and I needed to take care of myself because I wasnt fully recovered yet. I had my oat with me. I made it for my breakfast and also for my lunch. Ouch hm but the best thing was I MANAGED TO LOSE MANY WEIGHT AND I WAS SO PROUD OF IT. but after getting fully recovered, I gained my weight again. It couldnt be helped. I guess that's it for today.
I'm so sleepy.



Good night fellas!
Do add me on Naruto Online Game.
xoxo

I am so sleepy

I am too sleepy to update what's news but there is nothing new happened hahahaha IT'S 2 AM RIGHT NOW.

Good night

ごめん！

Hi dear self 💘

 Aha! Sorry I know it has been two days not updating anything 💓 I had migraine for these two days
and I could not do anything but I still need to go for work so when I got back home, I went to sleep.

So, what do you think of my blog? I DID ADD AN AUTO PLAY SONGS on my blog. I love it lol 💖

I still have another few weeks till 5th June. I'll be continuing my studies for a year. The place is so far away from my family. Will I be okay with the distance? 😞 I guess I will. I used to be in boarding school like 5 years but AHA I was suffering like tf for 5 years. Then, I will continue my studies for Degree about 3 years and if I still have the urge to study, I will continue for the next certificate which is Master then PhD. IF I HAVE THE URGE. If I don't, I'll go and earn some money for living. Well, that's all what I have been planning so far. Hopefully, it will turn out just like what I want 😛

I don't know how am I going to keep updating this blog if I have gotten so busy in the future and what if there is no INTERNET AT ALL. huhuhuhuhuhuhu💔 I will try my best. I'd rather updating my blog as if I write something in my diary than telling people what I feel inside in a person.

well, the latest post was a lyric of Boyfriend- You've moved on song. Their songs still win my heart, endlessly.

FIGHTING FOR BOYFRIEND, I'm your bestfriend forever !

Kim Donghyun
Shim Hyunseong
Lee Jeongmin 💓
Jo Youngmin
Jo Kwangmin
No Minwoo

Jeongmin is so cute 

You've moved on

I heard about you from my friends
They said you’re doing well, that you’re smiling
I tried to pretend to be calm but…

Traces of you are still in my room, like feelings I can’t get over
So my heart aches from deep inside

I can’t (still) I can’t (even now) I can’t live like I erased you
I thought you would be in a lot of pain too

But you’ve moved on, you’ve moved on without you, you’re living like you erased me
You’ve forgotten all of those memories

I can’t forget you, I really can’t forget you
I thought you only had me but that wasn’t the case
You’re still living in my heart

When I’m walking alone and passing by the cafe we used to go to
Without knowing, I start to think of our memories

Am I the only one? Am I getting choked up alone?
I hoped you would feel the same way

But you’ve moved on, you’ve moved on without you, you’re living like you erased me
You’ve forgotten all of those memories

I can’t forget you, I really can’t forget you
I thought you only had me but that wasn’t the case
You’re still living in my heart

All of our memories that I pushed down
They come back to life even at the slightest trace of you

Inside the cruel memories that became tears of regret
I tried to forget you but

I miss you, I miss you so much
I even miss you complaining and getting angry
But I’m just getting choked up

I love you, I still love you
Even if you don’t remember me, even if you forget me
You remain still so clear
I miss you, I miss the times we spent together, the days we spent together
I miss you, I miss the times we spent together, the days we spent together
I miss you, I miss the times we spent together, the days we spent together
I miss you, I miss the times we spent together, the days we spent together